What A Man Needs From His Woman

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I am so sick of going to the grocery store and while waiting in line, seeing magazines with the “[insert number]ways to please your man.” You open up the magazine and guess what? It’s written by a woman. So, in an attempt to save you money, from buying these trashy magazines, I am going to spill the basics.

Here is how:

1. Look good for him

No, you do not have to look like a model or dress like a movie star. Forget about starving yourself and thoughts of plastic surgery. We all have seen fat girls with skinny good looking men right? She has something that has him hooked (and it’s not threats of violence). So don’t think you have to be a gym rat to get him to love you (although it doesn’t make us mad). Just be your best. I didn’t say be you… I said be the best you. Don’t just dress up when you go out with the girls. We know you dress up for other women and not for us…. let’s change that. You can eat better, exercise a bit, get some new clothes, or alter what you have but that is for you. You might need to learn how to apply makeup or throw away the pajamas that you wear everyday but it’s part of the process.

2. Be confident

I am not saying that you should brag or flaunt it all the time. Just be confident in who you are and what you can do. Play and tease a bit and remind us that you are great.

3. Don’t be obnoxious

This pisses me off. That girlfriend who starts yelling at the waiter or cashier or sales person. Don’t make us embarrassed that we are with you. Listen when we need you too and don’t always push your opinions on us.

4. Let us be men.

We are lions and love to have our ego’s stroked (among other things). NEVER attack our insecurities (fat, bald, small penis, lack of muscle, etc.) but rather compliment us on our good qualities. Tell us why you love us and praise us for the little things we do. This will inspire us to want to do more. It makes us feel strong and able. This is such a big thing with men. We cannot feel emasculated  and be happy with you. Let us watch the game and throw our dirty socks on the floor from time to time without complaining.

5. Don’t be crazy

If you have ten different personalities (normal you, on your period you, stressed you, cleaning mode crazy you, drama starting you, bitchy angry take it out on you – you, etc.) it is about time to consolidate them. Be the same person all the time and don’t let your moods become you. Stick with your values without being rigid. We will respect you and love you and not tell our friends that we want to stab you.

6.  Be creative

While you are being normal you, don’t forget to be adventurous you. Be spontaneous with life and sex.  It keeps things fresh and helps the flame to remain burning.

7. Just get us or at least try to

You ladies want to be understood, do some understanding as well. Turn your face away from the things that bother you instead of making them into a mountain. Make a big deal of what you love more often and not just what you hate.

8. Don’t be controlling

When you start to make us feel guilty for having and hanging with our friends, this is when we start lying and hiding shit from you. We love you but everyone needs “me” time. If you are overly controlling about anything we start to think you have something to hide. Just let shit go and relax. It will become habitual and eventually not require any effort.

I could dive in more but you get the basics behind it and it gives you a good start. We like women that are laid-back and we respond better to your needs when you are. We want a friend and lover… not another mother. STOP… do not even say “we will treat you like a man when you stop acting like a child.” I’m talking about real men with women that buy the magazines and are confused on how to please a man. If what I suggest fails then just blow him, feed him and shut the hell up… that works too.

Am I wrong fellas?

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