My best friends Mike had his wife 2.0 crash. See Mike thought he was obtaining an entertainment utility when really wife 2.0 wasn’t like wife 1.0 or even girlfriend 3.0. See wife 2.0 was an operating system easily hack-able by the cheeseburger viruses of the world. Yeah she was a psycho crazy bitch who sat, wait, laid around all day and enlarged her fanny pack of a shmutten gut (yes…I made that up and I am a douche bag but it is the truth). If you are reading this Cheryl, I hope you get crabs.
So, I moved out to Dallas (This is Oregon not Texas) and we started hanging out. The idea was to help my friend Mike out. So I started making Dallas more of a home (summer fun) and my apartment a retreat for late night drunk fest and Craig’s List hookers. In all of my infinite drunk wisdom I decided I was going to rent a room at my apartment in Salem to make my living expenses cheaper. I put an ad up and interviewed a few people. Everyone seemed normal and so I rented the room to a 26 year old college graduate. Little did I know that my peanut butter would soon be gone, my child would be condemned and my furniture rearranged.
So the nightmare of kitty brain fuck begins. Where do I start with this sheltered OCD haven’ nut bag? Rather than tell you the story of the things she has said and done… I have created a list .
- She moved in a 3 bedroom house into my 2 bedroom apartment. (more shit than I have ever owned)
- She moved everything I had (plates, silverware, food) all into one cupboard and used the other 10 for her shit.
- She bagged up all my bathroom man supplies (shaving cream, razors, K-Y) and placed them under the sink.
- She hung cat pictures all over my walls. (yes the fucking cat)
- She told me it was cool that my four year old daughter came over, as long as she didn’t grab her stuff off the tables.
- She has EXTREME OCD
- She has the biggest collection of Star Trek movies/tv series ever.
- Her dad came over to fix my light bulbs and plug in the cable, as if she were 12.
- She made me a list of things she expects ME to buy (new cupboard handle, sink drainer, power strip, etc.)
- This is a mini-story. I came home from work and sat down on the couch. She was putting up her CD collection while listening to 1990 Mariah Carey CD … Eww darling cause you’ll always be my baby… yeah serenading her cat. So I attempt to fortify the bond between her and I and ask her… so did you go to school in Salem? She responds with, “uhhhh… yeahhhhh… I grew up here,” in a very snarling voice. I then ask her cautiously where she worked prior to the Statesman Journal. She let a long dramatic sigh and said “Shopco… I hated everyone… I swear if I had to work there another day I would have killed myself”. I jokingly say… it couldn’t have been that bad… when she responds with… “uh… seriously I almost did it… I complicated suicide before.” So freaked out… I push the envelope… what do you do there at the Statesman… she comes back with this (AND I AM NOT LYING)… “data entry… geez….uh” … I quickly get pissed at her sighs and “put-out” behavior and ask her if she is okay and why she is so defensive. She then drops this bomb… “I am just not in the mood to be interrogated…. I don’t feel like answering questions about my life… I’m sorry my CAT and I just got in a tiff.”
WELL I’M A DUMBASS OBVIOUSLY… I didn’t know your cat was so special.
Yeah so I was trying to not laugh but kind of mad at the same time. This is my house bitch. So how I feel about the above shit… is deep man hatred. I think this bitch is in love with her cat and talks to him. I think that she thinks… he talks back. Why the tiff you ask? Maybe he didn’t want to lick MY missing peanut butter off your retarded Lisa Simpson Clingon CLIT.
I am non-confrontational but push me and it’s on. So I wanted her gone. I wrote an agreement up that stated I would give her 30 days notice. Do I just do that and let her live in beastality in MY fucking apartment? Do I just kick her out before rent is due? Do I lie and say I have an allergy to cats and retarded fucking bi-polar band geeks?
Or as my friend suggested… should I just go home drunk every night and watch porn in the living room? BUT what if she asked to join me… and came out like cat woman… eww. Make no mistake…. Halle berry would be great… this bitch is more like Chuck Barry. She just had to go.
What I did next will have most men showering me (no pun intended… read on) with accolades and well you women will call me a disgusting fucking pig. Still, if you knew what I had been through… you might not blame me.
I’m not going to hide it and claim it never happened but instead I am going to climb the highest mountain and scream to the world what I have done. In this I know at least Sean will still love me.
So cat woman crossed the line a few days later and it was on. I had been returning home from work and noticed that my bedroom window, which I left open due to the heat, had been closed like 3 times. The first two I questioned whether I did it myself but the third I knew there was a caper. So I ask her… “hey my bedroom window is left open daily and upon my return from work , more than 3 times, it has been closed. Do you know who could have done this?” She quickly replies with a simple, “no.” So I reiterate my claim with, “really? Well it had to be someone going in my room to do it.” Now let me chime in with the rules when she moved in. Don’t eat all of my food and don’t go in my room. That is it. My room is my sanctuary and honestly is a mess at all times. I wipe my cum from late night jerk off sessions on the side of my dark blue sheets. A thing until now that I didn’t care to share. I have dirty crusted socks that I refuse to wash as well as a substantial amount of cash that I hide in there… at all times. So, her response to my second acquisition was, “well, it was probably me. I don’t like leaving the house unlocked.” HOW THE FUCK CAN IT PROBABLY BE YOU? It is or it isn’t. So she kind of admits it like a 5 year old. If you knew this bitch you would get the child hiding in her 6 year old mental brain; disregard the 34d rack (I’ll confess later how I know that).
Scolding a child; that is what I do for the next 20 minutes. How could you go in my room? It was the only rule. I don’t go in your room (yet). Why didn’t you call or text me asking for permission? Wait, how did you even know it was open? Why did you not confess after the first time?
So I tell her, “Yeah we’re not working out… I can’t trust you and you have 2 weeks to move.”
Skipping ahead: 4 days later Brad (my alcoholic friend) comes over and we drink and he crashes after we watch a flick off of her OCD organized dvd stand. Brad wakes up 2 hours before me and makes some 2 cent tea of hers. That is it. This starts a war.
I get a text that morning 5 minutes after leaving. It reads, ” I don’t appreciate you or your friends eating my food.” I counter with, “a 2 cent bag of tea… are you fucking joking?”: I get no response. I return home around 5 PM.
I find most of her stuff moved into her room. Decorations and mats and all of her dvds. So I am irritated with her immaturity. I say nothing. I sleep and awake and go to work the next morning. I come home from lunch and her silverware is all of a sudden missing. Her pots and pans are gone. Her tv is gone. I am pissed and since she went in my room, I decide to glance in hers. I go to open the door but it is locked. WHY? This is my house idiot and I have keys. Now I really want to look. So I unlock it and take a gander. Her stuff is packed inside. I am irritated and filled with, karma doesn’t exist, vengence.
So what do I do? What else? I whip my dick out and start rubbing one out over her pillow. Now bra and panty drawer as well as keyboard crossed my mind but the pillow was the target. I jerked my cock like it was stuck in my zipper. It kind of turned me on in a sick weird way that I don’t want to write about. Rather quickly (unlike my amazing sexual endurance) I blew a Peter Nortth (wikipedia his ass) 8 roper gigantic cum load all over her pillow. I then turned it over and rubbed it in her navy blue sheets. Yeah I know, I need help.
So I go back to work. I am feeling rather giddy and relieved to say the least. I return home later at 6 PM to a new discovery. Now her food has been removed from the freezer. I also realize much more has been packed. So I text her, “Yeah… you have until the end of the week… better yet midnight 3 days from now. Also, the couches and fridge are mine. When I return back from errands, anything on or in them, will be thrown away. See I can act like a twelve year old also. Oh and when you move out, go home to mommy because you’re not an adult nor ready to have roommates.” I never did receive a response. I go out and do my thing. I spent most of the eveing in parking lots trying to resolve work issues but manage to get home around midnight. What do I find you ask.
My place is almost empty. Her food is gone but she still has quite a bit left (It’s obviously difficult to pack a 3 bedroom house). I am curious so I unlock her door again, as her car is gone, and find most of her room empty. What do I do now?
Round 2, Fight! I open up her panty and bra drawer, whip my dick out again (2nd time in 36 hours) and start spanking it like Jimmy Hendrix on the guitar. I don’t quite have a porn star reserve load stored up like before, and I have had a few beers, but I still manage to shoot a hefty load into the cup of her 34d bra as well as the rims of some wadded up briefs.
Payback is a bitch, and frankly, so was she. I don’t try and justify what I have done but just know that she had it cumming. <—- GET IT