Keep The Gloves On Ladies


I was hanging out with a lady friend, some time ago,  and really wanted to get up in her guts. After some natural begging she informs me that she is bleeding but offered to please me in another fashion. I accept this and put in my vote for the always  pleasurable mouth hug. This is where things go horribly wrong. All she is willing to do is give me a hand job. I’m just going to come out and say it… hand jobs are lame and worthless. This is why I plan to boycott them and hope to convince you all to do the same. Every man has had one (except Tim Tebow cause he is waiting for marriage) and every woman has given one (unless you have no hands). How did this ever become acceptable as a form of intimacy? I know women do not enjoy tugging away, in hopes they are doing it right, just to hear their man grunt. I think it is more of them battling that forearm cramp while just praying the guy cums quickly. I know we don’t enjoy it, until the end, and really no woman is going to do it as good as we can… it’s our unit and we have years of practice (except for Captain Hook).

5 reasons to start turning down the tug-ohhhh-war

1. They are not personal – Think about eye contact. When a woman goes down town, she looks up and gazes into her recipients eyes and it is a personal and very hot moment. The longer the better in my opinion. It is a little different when it is just a hand jobbie and really quite awkward,  I personally avoid all eye contact as she stares waiting for my “blow my load” face. How ridiculous do you look getting off… video tape it.

2. They are juvenile – Are you someone who still puts ketchup on their hot dog? If so, keep having your girlfriend come over and massage your junk. If not time to grow up and move on to better. If I get caught by my mother or any friend getting a mouth hug, well no big deal. If my friends walk in on me getting a hand job, I would never live it down. You might as well name my penis and dress him up.

3. They deny human rights for women – We know all of the ladies like to boast about their oral skills and even their bedroom mojo. There is not a woman alive who wants to be known for her hand job skills. No sexually active female goes around telling her friends about the cocks she has jerked so well. Let’s not hold back the opportunities for women to shine.

4. They point out that she is not that into you – If she has 3 holes and won’t let you in any of them, maybe it’s a sign. Maybe you have money that she likes to spend but the thought of sex makes her want to puke. There is also that possibility that she is losing interest but hasn’t given up all of the way yet. Instead of taking the energy to go down on you (it’s hard work when you aren’t that into someone) she grabs lotion and then watches t.v. or reads while she performs the “job.” Expect your birthday and Christmas gifts to start sucking.

5. They limit creativity – Hand jobs allow women an escape from oral, anal and vaginal sex but what if hand jobs didn’t exist? What would we do instead? Who knows because the hand job has been the end all and escape goat for years. If we can do away with them maybe that will open up room for other body parts to get some attention. Like butt cheeks and the neck look like a good spot to experiment. Let’s make a movement that starts a relationship between penis and neck.


I want to point out that in no way would I like to see the “over the pants rub” removed from the pleasure arsenal. I want to encourage women to be more orally giving and the same for men too (if you’re into that). It’s not fair for women who don’t have hands and who can’t bow out with a jerk. I’m for equality and hope you all will join me and help rid the world of the unpopular hand job.

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1 Comment

  1. LOOK MOM, NO HANDS! No seriously, bro you are absolutly right.. If for some reason all I am good for is a hj… just fucking put me out of my goddamn misery… KEEPITHARDCORE

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